“… if you think true love looks like Romeo and Juliet, you’ll overlook a great relationship that grows slowly.” Revolution – in business and in life – often starts with a small step.” Derek Sivers

I have enjoyed probably more than my fair share of relationships in my life. In fact, I REALLY squeezed the juice out of most of my relational experiences over the years which is undoubtedly why I have made relationship counseling such a significant part of my career. Yes, I have trained and studied the various theories and approaches with regard to relationship optimization however none of this (expensive is an understatement) professional tutoring has come close to the level of utility as my own forays into coupling, tripling and well, you get the point.

When I coach a couple who is struggling to make heads or tails of their committed partnership, it is rarely a text book I refer to in my mind as I encourage certain approaches over others. It is typically a personal experience that I rely on to support my encouragement for a particular route that individuals can take in order to make lemonade from the sour fruit they are sucking on. Is this clinically sound? Should I pull the books down off the shelf in order to substantiate my advice? If I could, there would be an author out there making billions of dollars.

The truth of the matter is that what makes me a good relationship counselor is the simple fact that I have used my own relationships as learning experiences from which to teach others what works and what miserably fails. For better of for worse, the brilliant scientist typically first injects herself with the serum, serving as ones own guinea pig before unleashing some solution onto the world. Well, that’s me. Remember, the line between brilliant and “mad” is the stuff of great stories!

“All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” ~ Swedish Proverb

So, in reality, all you need to do in order to have a fantastic relationship is what I do: build a database regarding your relationship choices, track healthy outcomes and learn from your less supportive decisions! You’re already well on your way to your own relational revolution!

I am so incredibly grateful to live in the United States of America.

Not because we have a great military and we’re not afraid to prove it whenever we feel the need.

Not because we got Osama (or have the best political marketing team in the world that is able to remove most doubt that we possibly didn’t get him).

Not because we only sort of keep out illegal immigrants because we sort of need their cheap labor, thereby half-heartedly sharing our American Dream with those less fortunate but not truly allowing them to enjoy it because they are scared we might toss them out in the middle of the night.

Not because our supermarkets are full of more foods (or the thousands of genetically modified excuses for foods) than most nations’ markets combined.

Not because our entertainment industry tirelessly pumps out the cinema, music and games that fill the world with its greatest distractions.

Not because we have some of the most dramatic physical landscapes on the planet, the most beautiful national parks and the most efficient network of roadways connecting them all…

Nope. These are not the reasons I love being an American.

I am grateful to be an American because here I have the freedom to grow. Yes, there is that freedom to grow physically into the largest human form ever known to humanity. Yet, the growth I speak of is spiritual, emotional, and psychological. In America I enjoy the freedom to simply be an ass hole if I choose to be.

Here, I have the freedom to never work on my inner emotional journey or, and this is what I’m really excited about, I have the freedom to utilize our seemingly endless resources and supports in order to create the perfect balance between material prosperity and spiritual elevation and consciousness.

We live in an amazing country for so many reasons and I really love it here. Yet, what I’m most grateful for is the freedom to do my inner work or the freedom to ignore it until the day I die. That is a true luxury.

In my experience, most things on this planet come with an ending.

I find that there is often some resistance within myself to prevent natural completions, terminations or transitions even though I am conscious that everything and everyone has an end, at least in this physical manifestation.

Sometimes it is holding on to a job simply because I don’t want to accept it is over or deal with the fact that I’m no longer stimulated or challenged by it.

Sometimes it is gripping hard to a relationship that has long served its purpose and only exists because I, or we, keep pumping life into it in fear of the alternatives or in laziness based on what is comfortable and familiar.

Then, there is the obvious and biggest example of this. Death. Yes, death. The big one. The end of ends. The Grand Farewell.

In my work and in my own experience, I find that our anxiety with regard to our own physical termination has a great deal to do with many of our often times silly obsessions, patterns and hang-ups. What is most notable, however, is that our anxiety about death tends to be largely unconscious as most of us simply do not wish to think about it let alone discuss it with others, lest we make it ever more real.

So, what are we so worried about? There are of course the obvious questions such as will it hurt… will we be scared when the plug is pulled… will our loved ones miss us…will we be judged for things we messed up while alive?

For some, adherence to particular spiritual or religious doctrines helps place death within the specific context of our belief system. Our cosmology, the map we create and nest in that explains our universe and extrapolates for us beyond the flat line, seems easier for those who believe in a clearly defined religion as most theologies inherently answer the matter of life and death as one of the foundational purposes.

Which brings me to my dog.

Chaco is now 15 ½ years old. He wobbles and hobbles, pees and poops wherever it moves him, eats when he feels like it and only that which appeals to him at the moment. We have to hide his incontinence pills in balls of Wonder Bread and cream cheese, otherwise, no go.

He stares at himself in the mirror for long periods of time as if lost in the picture of who he has become. He spends several hours in a day standing at my side, staring into my eyes, panting.

He is, by all intents and purposes, nearing the end of his dog life.

Some folks would have “put him down” by now, claiming it is just “humane.” Others discuss the notion of “quality of life,” asking questions about his ability to run and play, making assertions that a dog that can not catch a Frisbee any longer may not be in possession of a good enough quality of life.

However, Chaco lives.

I’m not sure if he enjoys a particular cosmology, if he is conscious of a life after death or if he believes he will just “STOP” when the ride ends.

I do know, that he melts when we pet him. I know that he loves some good wet food and tuna fish makes his heart sing. I know that there is still a gentle skip in his gait when we get to the dog park, even though he stumbles around and makes his mark by sometimes lifting the wrong leg. I know that my best friend for over 15 years, though mostly deaf, always knows when I am leaving for work and makes his way to the front door to peer his sweet head around and wish me a good day.

I know that Chaco is not finished with this life. I am basing this belief on the sense that he will let me know when it is no longer worth it. I am basing this on 15 years of history together that has proven that my dog communicates his needs pretty darn well.

And, I suppose, I’m basing this on my own cosmology. The way I perceive life and death is the way I move through my existence, making decisions and choosing paths along the journey. I believe that Chaco contracted with me long ago to walk this walk together, to enjoy the journey for as long as we decided it was working for us both. It’s a relationship, after all.

And relationships are a two way street.

Even though I’m not a dad.

I do not have kids and there is a strong chance that I will die without children of my own. It’s not that I have anything against children or fear parenting, it is simply a result of a number of life circumstances that has led to my being, now over forty years old, a non-father.

Now hold on there. People wish me a “Happy Father’s Day” for days before and days after the June holiday as they “Merry Christmas” me silly in December. There is an interesting assumption people make about such things. I’m not a dad and I’m not a Christian, but it doesn’t stop folks from throwing their cheer my way.

It used to really irritate me about the Merry Christmas thing, and there aren’t many things that truly irritate me. Especially with the popular campaign to “put Christ back into Christmas” which does a wonderful job debunking those who wish to persuade me that Christmas is an American holiday and not a religious one. But I digress. Or, do I?

Why is it that people assume I have children? Perhaps it is because I’m a man over forty. Perhaps it is because I choose to grow my facial hair. Perhaps it is because I am a psychotherapist. Perhaps it is because I smile at other people’s kids (in a nice way, not creepy) and even strike up conversations with young people in a way that I believe not many adults have a tendency to do.

However, I’m thinking the answer has less to do with me and more to do with you.
Yes you.

Why do you feel the need to wish me a happy anything when you are not sure if that specific happiness applies to my life? I think the answer leads us back to that favorite topic of mine, projection. There were precious few women whom I dated in my life (or married for that matter) that didn’t stare at me with that look in their eyes and say, “You’re going to be such a good father.” I typically smiled, nodded and particularly enjoyed the sex that night.

I’m not sure there is any real basis for an extrapolation of current behavior, depth, compassion and general “good with kids-ness” that automatically leads one to being an exceptional father. There is, however, a very real projection from you to me that hopes I will be a good father because good fathers are like gold. What is most notable to me is that what I think so many project onto others when it comes to the “fatherly” vibe is just that, a vibe; an energy.

The Father Archetype is something I feel I have connected with for many years. It is an embodiment of kindness, patience, strength, understanding, wisdom, depth, presence and availability. In fact, it is not difficult to confuse the Father Archetype with simply the best of the MALE energy. Simply being a solid, self-realized man is what so many people hope to find in the man with whom they are in a relationship, studying with, learning from, working for, or, yes, co-parenting.

Which brings me back to Christmas. The realization I had about Christmas is the same that helped me relax about Father’s Day. When you wish me a happy anything, you are initiating a connection, offering kindness and most of all, you are attempting to place me inside of your utopic world of understanding and the way things should be.

You want to live in a world where everyone celebrates Christmas because you love it so much and want me to be a part of it. You wish me a Happy Father’s Day because you love being a father and want me to love it to. You want me to be the kind of father you think I would be because you want to be that kind of father or be connected to that kind of father.

Sure, some of you are just so self-absorbed that you fail to accept that not everyone believes what you believe or has chosen the same life choices you have chosen. I used to think that you all occupied this category but I see now that it isn’t that simple. In fact, at this point, I’m pretty honored that you feel I embody the qualities that make a good, strong, father figure.

So, wish me a Happy Father’s Day. In fact, you can call me Dad if you like. I’ll simply sit here and smile patiently, nodding and holding the space with a quiet strength that exudes FATHER.

Tell me how this God of yours works?

Seems like a great number of folks believe that if they believe in a “Saviour” God, then God will save them from bad decisions, taxes, and overeating. Others believe in one of those “Redeemer” Gods who will liberate them from bad relationships, bad governments and inclement weather. “Destroyer” Gods are less popular today although remain extremely central in certain social and religious circles.

What strikes me as odd is the segment of our society who define themselves as “non-religious” yet continue to foster a relationship with “Spirit,” “Source” or “A Higher Power” who will still somehow do everything for us. This has been popularized by the Law of Attraction and various programs of manifestation that become so oversimplified as to promote a similar projection of responsibility as the great religious traditions who suggest that if we place our faith in their God, then things will just work out.

While I am a firm believer in the notion that thoughts become things, I have not relinquished my relationship with my rational mind, personal experience and twelfth grade physics.

I believe in God. I do not, however, believe that God will do things for me that I do not want to do for myself! God is not my “Four Hour Work Week.” God is not my winning lottery ticket. God is not choosing the right candidate in an election.

God is my PARTNER.

We co-create. We manifest stuff together. We negotiate contracts, discover relationships and find parking spots together. God is literally my co-pilot.

I believe in personal responsibility. I know that when I make a decision rooted in a low frequency of my SELF that it will likely lead to low frequency outcomes. God, my understanding of God at least, doesn’t appreciate being a part of low frequency business deals, relationships and various other life contracts. God will reluctantly go along with some of these decisions because God loves me and wants to be supportive, but God will not use the vastness of God’s abilities to turn water into wine and make a lemon turn into a Ferrari just because I am a good person.

On the other hand, having God in my court is a huge plus. When I realize I have made a decision that is counterproductive; when it becomes clear that I’m not living at my highest frequency, it is really nice to have God around to consult with and recalculate the plan. God is always there for me when I need support. That feels really good.

While I don’t align myself with the billions of atheists on the planet who believe that God is an escapist fantasy, I do understand how it must seem to them when so many millions of people resort to their faith in God to fix what needs fixing in their lives.

To me, faith is a wonderful supplement to some good old fashioned common sense, hard work and smart choices.