How do you switch gears from a long day at work to decompressing and rejuvenating  time?

I have struggled with this for most of the past 15 years and it is truly an ongoing challenge. Spawned from two intense workaholics, I have found that  resisting the proclivity toward my own workaholism is akin to willing my large Jewish nose to somehow morph into a little button thing. Not going to happen!

One thing i have found, however, is that when I come home from the primary job of counseling 8-12 clients per day at my private psychotherapy office, I need a drastic game change. What works for me is that within 2 minutes of my being home, I strip. Totally. I drop my pants to the floor, fling my shirt off and most often, yank the boxers off as well. Oftentimes this is achieved before my wife makes it down the hallway to greet me and her darling expression is the same each time: “Honey, you lost your clothes!”

Because the work I do can be very intense and it is sometimes challenging not to carry the traumas of clients home with me, I find that a literal shedding of the day is a very useful tool when it comes to reclaiming the peace of self that doesn’t simply come with the mantle of professional psychology.

While I might check emails, monitor tweets and statuses, and even do some light marketing once I’m stripped down, I find the change in my uniform to be a very effective way to slow things down. Think of those massive gravel turn-offs for 18-wheelers who can’t stop as they are barreling down a big mountain. They turn off onto these run-away truck routes and eventually the thick gravel just slows them to a stop. Yeah, think of that. It is a much better image than thinking of me in my birthday suit sitting in the Aeron at my I-Mac!

All the best,
Jeffrey

I work with dozens of couples every week on how to strengthen and sometimes, save, their marriage and one of the most vital elements that we focus on is appreciation. Appreciation is the fluid that keeps the mechanism of the relationship moving smoothly and it is often one of the first things to disappear when life seems to hit overdrive. Kids, work, TV, financial hardship… all of these have a tendency to dry up the simplest, least common denominator for your relationship: Why and what you love about your partner!

In order for both women and men to make their marriage a priority, there must be some basic steps taken to create a boundary for the relationship.

Many parents leave the door open at night for the kids. Makes sense, and, it also makes it challenging for intimacy to occur in a natural, spontaneous manner. Close the door sometimes! Even for a half hour of private time that the kids know about. It doesn’t have to be sex but it will at least be intimate and private.

Appreciation is the fluid for which your relationship thirsts! At least three times a day, be sure to acknowledge the things you love and are grateful for in your partner. A note, a hug, a text or email even as you juggle the kids will go a long way. We need to know we’re loved and that the things we do mean something.

Many couples observe “Date Night.” This is a wonderful routine that goes a long way for many folks. However, is a couple of hours a week enough to give to your relationship? I encourage couples to make time every day for at least some type of check-in. Typically, the time after the kids are down and the TV and laptops rule the living room is a perfect moment to pause everything else, look each other in the eyes and check in. Start with appreciation and then ask about their day. Ask if there is anything they need or that you can help them with. Remember, love is a verb. It is good will in action! We tend to rely on the “of course I love you” rather than the “how can I love you today…”

In the end, your kids win. We grow up observing our parents’ relationship and tend to either recreate or spend our lives reacting to the way things were in our childhood. Modeling healthy boundaries, loving service and boundless appreciation are just some of the legacies you can leave your kids. They will also get parents who are nurtured and patient with each other and therefore more present and loving about their needs. Kids need to see their parents being loving with each other and communicating in a healthy way, otherwise both generations end up on my couch!

The people who track things are saying that for every record low temperature set these days, there are two record highs notated. It makes me wonder what this trend will lead to as we ease on down the road. It feels like it has been over 90 for half of the summer and I can’t take the dogs out for a walk without hearing a collection of hums from a mix of old and new air conditioners, spattering liquid onto our heads as we walk past the old brick buildings. Wasn’t it hot when we were kids? Was it this hot? Are we just hyper-sensitive?

Thank God the butterflies are still blooming.

Summer Loving. Having a Blast.

I Want Your Love!

I want your ugly, I want your disease
I want your everything, As long as it’s free
I want your love

– Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”

Love is patient, love is kind…

How many of you have ever used this line in a bar: “I want your ugly, I want your disease?”

What’s that I hear? Crickets chirping? Are the cicadas back? I didn’t think so.

These words have a way of pulsing through my head every time I hear the hit Lady Gaga song, “Bad Romance.” At first glance, these are silly lyrics to another wonderfully pop-ular pop song, innocent place fillers until the next wave of synthesized rhythm and bass swings back around to make the car next to me tremble like a tween at a vampire flic. However, as I’m unconsciously humming the lyrics while a client takes her seat on my therapy couch, the words become hauntingly real.

As synchronicity would have it, the woman before me begins to tell the tale of dramatic new love, now only two weeks old. The passion, projection, and plans for a lifetime of bliss together are all added to an alluring soundtrack of the romance dance. As I listen to this bright, self-aware young woman speak about ice cream on the lake, drinks al fresco and sex on the roof of his apartment building, I consider the power of new love. We become so intense in our minds and bodies when we find ourselves in a mutual connection with a new partner that we almost forget how our minds and bodies operated just seconds before we met the new person.

Thoughts are incredibly difficult to change and actually tend to reproduce exponentially, spreading throughout our inner ecosystem. In fact, Richard Brodie in his book, “Virus of the Mind,” refers to these types of thoughts as memes, or thought viruses. Brodie suggests that “once created, a virus of the mind gains a life independent of its creator and evolves quickly to infect as many people as possible.” As a therapist, however, it is my responsibility to help support clients in determining which memes are actually healthy ideas to spread within and without their lives. As the recent film, Inception, so elegantly describes it, for an outside thought to really feel like our own it has to be presented in its simplest, most absorbable form. Easier said than done… Unless we’re talking about the “love disease.”

The desperation of the love we tend to feel in the early days, weeks and even months of a passionate relationship can feel exhilarating and even profoundly healthy, yet we commonly refer to this process as “falling” in love for a reason. There is a mix of terror and pleasure I feel when I plummet ten stories on the “Free Fall” ride at the Six Flags theme park. I accept that I will be voluntarily incapacitated for a brief moment of my life and most people would find it odd if I decided to bring my tax return up there with me to get some work done. Yet, is that not what we do when we fall in love: drop into an ecstatic state of temporary bliss that is actually complete incapacity? Is this what the Gaga lady is speaking about when she desperately calls for the ugly, the disease?

Consciously spreading healthy thoughts and ideas we consider to be supportive is in many ways the most effective way to combat mind viruses and remain in control of our life. Yet, how do we discern which thoughts are healthy once we are already “infected” by the infatuation meme? We all have the ability to resist unhealthy thoughts and their partner behaviors when we make healthy living and clarity a primary intention for the way we live our lives. However, in order to boost our psycho-emotional immune system, we must take good care of ourselves before we are introduced to “foreign elements.”

Nourishing our relationships through the appreciation of those people in our lives we adore and truly cherish not only makes them feel good, it is a healthy power boost to our own sense of balance. When we take the time and effort to choose to be vulnerable with our inner circle of friends and family, one of the benefits is that we remember what it feels like to love and be loved in its simplest, purest form; without any of the bells and whistles, perhaps even without the enticement of ice cream or sex.

Cheers!

Most kids (and parents) have heard these words countless times. They largely characterize the attempts of young people in the process of acquainting themselves with their ego, an oftentimes confusing path when one is living under someone else’s roof and eating mass quantities of their food. This early power struggle can lead to tension between parent and child, however the challenging dynamic doesn’t end there.

Most of us grow up and move out, making our way in the world and choose the relationships we think we want. It’s a common occurrence, widely acceptable in the culture. However, the seeds of the power struggle, the struggle of the ego, have been planted and they tend to flower most brilliantly in our most significant adult relationships. We just don’t typically (even though we might want to) use the pouty words, “You Can’t Make Me!”

It begins, perhaps, in a relatively small way. “You’re going to wear that?” is a favorite. “I can’t believe you’re not coming with us,” is another classic. As our relationships develop and the investment we have in them deepens, communication gets more profound. “I never thought my life would look like this.” Of course you didn’t! You imagined you would live in a beautiful palace with legions of servants and a never ending cup of honey wine! It is a beautiful image, even now. But then there’s reality.

The challenge with fantasy futures is that our picture often distorts the most vital component of any relationship, the concept of true partnership. “If I find the ONE, the perfect, ideal person who will join lives together, then my needs should easily be met!” The palace isn’t the problem; you can manifest wealth, cars and fine food. You can even manifest your ideal partner. It’s AFTER all that manifesting is complete that the real work begins!

Many of us have a tendency to express our needs in life as expectations. Instead of: “I need to feel love in my life,” we say “Why don’t you love me more?” Instead of: “I need to live in a palace,” we say “Can’t you pick up your crap?” Almost always, your partner reacts with a very familiar sentiment. “You Can’t Make Me!” They may not use the words and in fact, they may even say, “Sure, honey!” However, the old reaction to someone else imposing their will and expectations upon us is as present as ever. But now, the stakes are even higher.

So, I want to remind all of us about the difference between our needs and our expectations. Unless our needs are met through the loving gifts of the people who adore us, because they want to, then our needs get met with a price tag attached. Speak clearly and honestly about your needs and don’t say “you” when you express those needs. Otherwise, you might just experience those famous words, “You Can’t Make Me!” as your partner flips on the television in their castle’s living room!