“… if you think true love looks like Romeo and Juliet, you’ll overlook a great relationship that grows slowly.” Revolution – in business and in life – often starts with a small step.” Derek Sivers

I have enjoyed probably more than my fair share of relationships in my life. In fact, I REALLY squeezed the juice out of most of my relational experiences over the years which is undoubtedly why I have made relationship counseling such a significant part of my career. Yes, I have trained and studied the various theories and approaches with regard to relationship optimization however none of this (expensive is an understatement) professional tutoring has come close to the level of utility as my own forays into coupling, tripling and well, you get the point.

When I coach a couple who is struggling to make heads or tails of their committed partnership, it is rarely a text book I refer to in my mind as I encourage certain approaches over others. It is typically a personal experience that I rely on to support my encouragement for a particular route that individuals can take in order to make lemonade from the sour fruit they are sucking on. Is this clinically sound? Should I pull the books down off the shelf in order to substantiate my advice? If I could, there would be an author out there making billions of dollars.

The truth of the matter is that what makes me a good relationship counselor is the simple fact that I have used my own relationships as learning experiences from which to teach others what works and what miserably fails. For better of for worse, the brilliant scientist typically first injects herself with the serum, serving as ones own guinea pig before unleashing some solution onto the world. Well, that’s me. Remember, the line between brilliant and “mad” is the stuff of great stories!

“All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” ~ Swedish Proverb

So, in reality, all you need to do in order to have a fantastic relationship is what I do: build a database regarding your relationship choices, track healthy outcomes and learn from your less supportive decisions! You’re already well on your way to your own relational revolution!

One of my first grown-up jobs was at the Taos Ski School in New Mexico. I was 25 years old and really had no idea how to ski but managed to get an Assistant Supervisor position at the children’s ski school. On the morning of my first day I was excited to meet my staff and “make my mark.” I was most excited to have money coming in and pay the rent, lifting me out of the growing pool of out of work poets who sat at the coffee shop drinking sludge and impressing tourists with our lack of income and direction. I smiled at my staff as they walked past the boots and bindings to the time clock on the wall where they inserted their cardboard ticket to a paycheck. One bright, attractive woman in a hot pink ski suit walked up to me after she clocked in and with a weak, sarcastic smile announced: “Nothing like punching out my soul every morning!”

Ouch. That hurt. And it was only my first day. I went on to understand her feelings firsthand and by the end of my second month (and first paycheck) I decided that I missed the coffee shop more than I thought. I felt heavy, stuck and maybe a little queasy as I drove my truck up the winding snow-covered road to 9,000 feet and it wasn’t the altitude sickness. It didn’t take long to understand why so many ski instructors viewed me as part of the problem before they really knew me. I was an administrator, part of the system. And the system was not their friend. In fact, in my short tenure, my attempts to go above me to make some changes to our department and improve work conditions were mostly rejected or ignored. I gave my two weeks notice mid-season and relinquished the season ski pass to which everyone seemed so attached. I was free once again, and while I returned to the struggle to make rent, I no longer felt heavy, stuck and perhaps depressed.

Workplace Depression is oftentimes a twofold story. There are some employees who bring their depression to work with them and there are others who find that going to work creates a situation whereby they feel depressed. In my practice, I work with both sides of this story.

For some, it is “work” simply to find one’s way out of bed each morning, get showered and dressed and make it to the office. These people tend to do their best to pretend to be emotionally fine as it is generally socially unacceptable to be a “downer” at work. Once they head home, it is like the mask is removed and their true affect emerges.

For others, life seems to be going generally well, relationships are steady and pleasant, until they arrive at work. Then it hits them: “I’m so miserable at this job that I think I will die if I stay here another day. But, wait, I’m stuck here because I don’t know what else I could even do or want to do….” The feeling of being trapped in a job where one is unhappy can be a precursor to depression, however the foundation for that depression is often rooted in deeper circumstances and beliefs such as low self-esteem, general confusion about life, and even substance abuse.